Loyalty

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Gratitude

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How to learn

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Business case for inner peace

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What is 'annoying'?

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Dad, How do I know I am 'good'?

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Delivering bad news

Not enough praise

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What should I be when I grow up?

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More on compassion...

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Why some things are learnt only the 'hard way'

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Difficulty in dealing with reality

There are many symptoms that indicate a difficulty to deal with undesired reality:

• Impatience.
• Frustration.
• Anger.
• Loss of ability to listen.

Each of the above is generally considered a 'negative action' and creates consequences to hurt the perpetrator. Negative reactions hurt us and leads to self-inflicted misery.

Focus the mind on alternate methods to deal with the situation.

What about dealing with desired reality? This too is fraught with challenges:

• Complacency: leading to a loss of vigilance.
• Overconfidence: leading to rash actions.
  
• Pride in self: leading to reduced learning and openness.
• Extreme happiness: leading to loss of emotional control (how else do you explain wild partying and destruction of property after a victory?).

Each of these will lead to an undesired reality. Unless we are careful, this could lead to a destructive and self-perpetuating cycle.

Develop equanimity to avoid the dangers created by desired and undesired consequences.

My attention wanders

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Dear Santa, What I really want for Christmas...

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If you can't cope with it, eliminate it!

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Root causes for barriers to personal change

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Settling disputes

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Suspending judgment: Take 2

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From primate to parent

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Smartening Up!

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Lucky loser!

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The Right Way!

There is a 'right way' to do everything. When you find the 'right way', there are no barriers to stop you from doing what you are doing, just a beautiful feeling that is hard to describe.

Now this does not mean there is 'only one way'. If there were 'only one way' then we would have found it by now and everyone would try to align to it. A lot of our struggles are to overcome this paradox.

To accomplish your mission, find the 'right way'. What makes this an interesting journey is the myriad possibilities than need to be sorted out to discover/invent the 'right way' for yourself. The myriad possibilities will sometimes distract us and most of our energies are used up in getting clarity to the 'right way'.

To discover the 'universal right way' and your 'personal right way', combine introspection with learning from someone who is truly, truly enjoying what they are doing while being successful.

Unable versus Unwilling

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The last mile... or why emotional connection is important

We all know logic and reasoning will make people think but they act based on emotion. For many of us, the effort to make the emotional connection is too much work. We explain away our social clumsiness by stating:

• "The problem has a solution, its so obvious, why can't you see it?" or
• "My job is to solve the problem, now you have a best-in-class solution. Take it or leave it" or
  
• "I don't have time to explain the details or make you feel good about adopting it, I have more productive things to do"

Now imagine a cell phone company setting up a high speed network that guarantees crystal clear audio quality. It provides customers with the latest smart phone. Phone calls can be made and received between customers on different networks. A lot of hard work, creativity, technology and investment was required to make this happen. Now imagine a situation where the customer speaks into the phone, but the listener cannot hear!

You'd say, "That's ridiculous!" And you would be right.

Now think about people connecting with each other to get things done. Each person has value to offer, but if they are not able to connect emotionally, it is unlikely that any value will be exchanged. In fact, sometimes, if the parties do not connect emotionally, they may lose value (through lost time, aggravation, hassle, stress).

50th Blog Entry!

Why do I 'blog'?

• To write down insights, so I can refer to it later
• A way to think thru tough issues, especially the ones that don't have easy answers or no answers at all!
  
• A way to share my experiences without making it look like its about me (writing style makes it easy to deny its about me :-))
  
• Make notes so my kids can learn (once I figure out how to get them to read it)
  
• Never thought talking to myself can be so much fun!

Looking forward to the next 50!

Why does conflict exist?

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Top 10 reasons for Interpersonal and Social Dysfunction

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Are social interactions like jiu jitsu or like dancing?

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Performance Appraisals

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Marital advice

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Troubleshooting communication challenges

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Assume the world is rational

What will happen? If you can do this, the following benefits will accrue:

• Your energies will be devoted to finding out 'why'

In other words, frustration will be replaced by curiosity.

• You will give up labeling people and events as 'good', 'bad', 'desirable' and 'undesirable'.

In other words, you will truly suspend judgment.

• You will accept that many things are hard (if not impossible) for you to understand
  

In other words, you will become less and less defensive and learn to say 'I don't know'.

This requires you to show patience with yourself, more than showing patience with the situation or the person frustrating you.

More on demons

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Inner demons

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Turning frustration into wisdom

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Taking interest to broaden horizons

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Run towards aversion

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Bonding

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Oink

A former boss told me this story to make a point: "If one person calls you a pig, ignore it. If a second person calls you a pig, you may want to take notice. If a third person calls you a pig, you better start oinkin', because you are a pig!"

Feedback from the environment is often consistent. Work hard on removing the core inner barriers that are stopping personal development. Changing jobs, managers, spouses, residence may sometimes be necessary to make a fresh start. Bring change to run towards something, not away from something.

Don't confuse an inner weakness with lack of strategic positioning. For example, if you are in a dead end job, look for a job with growth potential. Progress will take longer if you work on your inner weakness while staying in a dead end job. Taking a job with high growth potential, but not working on your inner barriers will expose you and cause equally deep frustration.

Only you can decide what has 'potential'. Potential in a job/manager/spouse/residence is relative to who you are, where you came from and where you are going. Work hard to create the luck needed to find a great job/manager/spouse/residence.

Stages in moving towards equanimity

An incident happens. Some typical stages in moving towards equanimity:

• Stage 1: The body is programmed to react violently and destructively. Words are spoken in anger. Physical violence may be contemplated. Lawsuits are threatened.
• Stage 2: There is recognition of loss of equanimity in the self. This leads to an increase in self-control and programmed reactions begin to lose their force.
  
• Stage 3: The finer distinction between external and internal equanimity is understood and recognized. The programmed reactions lose their force even more
  
• Stage 4: External equanimity is achieved. External manifestations of programmed reactions become rarer and rarer.
  
• Stage 5: When the next incident occurs, self control prevents the destructive emotions and behaviors from Stage 1. However, the body goes through extreme withdrawal symptoms and there is regret at not lashing out. This leads to a loss of internal equanimity and an occasional loss of external equanimity.
  
• Stage 6: Internal equanimity is achieved. This overcomes the pain experienced in Stage 5.
• Stage 7: True equanimity is achieved, both internal and external. It is reflected in word and deed, inspiring others to follow.
  

Regression between stages is common. Develop the discipline to be patient and stay focused.

Why Equanimity?

Because the world suffers from conflict caused by misunderstandings, biases, aversion, craving, selfishness, fear, ego, pride, anger, insecurity, greed, low self-esteem, arrogance, poor communication skills, incomplete knowledge, low patience and low tolerance for diversity.

Well, OK, so the world is not FULL of all this, but even a single incident involving any of these is likely to bring doom and gloom and loss of equanimity.

Equanimity can make conflict resolution easier. It can prevent and is the solution and antidote to the pain caused by a loss of equanimity.

If not 'Equanimity', then what other choices are there?

3 Types of People

You will meet 3 types of people:

• Positive
• Negative
• Neutral

Technically, people are not 'positive', 'negative' or 'neutral', that is how they are at any point of time (but you knew what I meant...).

Which ones are 'better'?

The question is irrelevant. Since you cannot control the other person, focus on your responses. Start with achieving equanimity and appreciate the impermanence of all things.

Developing the true power to communicate

Develop the ability to describe reality in order to connect with your audience. But first, you have to see things as they are! To increase this power to communicate, help others describe their reality and connect with their audiences.

Use this when:

• Communicating with others.
• Communicating with yourself.
• Helping third parties communicate with each other.
  

Use your existing knowledge, skills, personal characteristics: audience analysis, presentation skills, language skills, personal presence, being in the moment, accepting vulnerability, openness, critical thinking, trust, rapport, listening skills, being genuine, curiosity, self-esteem, flexibility, adapting to the situation, creativity, compassion etc.

Unlearn or lose the following: judging the message or the messenger, loss of equanimity, personal biases and filters, need to be right, defensiveness (protecting the self) etc.

Agreement or disagreement is irrelevant till true understanding is achieved.

Intellectual and Emotional Wisdom

In any conversation, you have 3 choices. Which choice will you select for which situation? Is your choice an intellectual or an emotional decision?

Having made the choice, reflect on the underlying reasons to discover more about yourself.

Root cause fix for aversion or craving

Next time you see something that you really, really like or something that you really, really dislike, ask yourself:

• Are you evaluating the event or stimulus as 'right' or 'wrong'?

• Are you labeling the event or stimulus as 'good' or 'bad'?

• Are you describing the event or stimulus as 'desirable' or 'undesirable'?
  

Make a strong determination to suspend judgment and observe the event or stimulus with equanimity. Identify the reality of the situation and deal with it. Of course, first you have to catch yourself losing emotional balance.

If this were easy to do, more would be doing it. Some situations are easier than others, work on the batting average.

Finding your weakness

Lets start with an exercise:

• List situations which frustrate you and list situations that inspire you.

• Think of all the people in this world who 'push your buttons' and people who give you the 'warm fuzzies'.

• Now think of the situations which anger you and situations that please you.

• Finally, try to understand and explain why you struggle with some situations and succeed in others.

(Reading annoying instructions like the above count)

You have just bumped up against a weakness. To fix the weakness at the root, don't waste time externalizing the causes (i.e. blaming others, your parents or circumstances).

Being human, you have to 'grandfather' in new behaviors. Be patient with yourself.

What does 'equanimity' look like for YOU?

What are YOUR cravings?

What are YOUR aversions?

Guerrilla warfare on emotions

An oxymoron.
Emotions cannot be overcome with hate, or destruction.

Therefore, instead of slaying emotions that cause loss of equilibrium, befriend them. One at a time. Not at the intellectual level, but at the experiential level.

Every interaction is an opportunity. Situations and people that piss you off are a test or a gift, depending on perspective. Opportunities lie in the most unexpected places, in fact they lie everywhere. If overwhelmed, try prioritization, with the intent to cover 100% of interactions.

Since victories can only be won one (tiny) interaction at a time, in stealth mode, the analogy to guerrilla warfare seems pertinent. Cannot declare intent via a press release or other public announcements.

I wonder if there is a substitute for 'guerrilla warfare' to describe this.

"I feel like crap"

When this happens, tell yourself the following:

• This too shall pass.
• The feeling is a reaction to external events.
• Therefore, the feeling is within your control.
• You just have to develop the equanimity to stop the feeling from happening.
  

Its not easy. The accountability aspect may sometimes make you feel worse. But that's life.

This advice may not be relevant for those who are chemically imbalanced. But then... nothing that is said here is meant to provide any assurance that the ideas work or are useful.

Equilibrium

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Pygmalion effect

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The role of emotion

There is a belief that to resolve tough problems, we need 'tough' approaches: mostly related to inappropriate use of emotion such as anger and criticism.

On the other hand, wisdom is equated to equanimity (and vice versa) and the suggested approach is that events be observed without reacting.

How can a sense of urgency be communicated with compassion and people be held accountable without resorting to negative or destructive emotions? Is there any such thing as inappropriate use of equanimity?

How much of this requires me to re-invent myself?

Handling negative emotions in other people

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Control! Control!

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When anger is replaced with compassion

Recently I had to face a very angry person. He raved and ranted at the situation, then at someone else and shortly thereafter turned his anger towards me. By practicing equanimity, I was able to observe his behavior without losing equilibrium. I felt a deep sense of compassion as I understood the pain he must be going thru and his utter loss of self-control when faced by that pain. He had no idea about all this of course and providing feedback/analysis/diagnosis/solutions to him would be committing suicide (actually it would be murder, for he might have killed me!).

However, I still need to hold him accountable for his actions and coach him towards a more positive and healthy interactions. This is still work-in-progress. At least I have stopped adding to the problem. That for me is progress.

Sainthood checklist: Part II

Additions to the list:

• Suspend judgment
• Do not allow myself to be dis empowered by another's weakness
• Handle the other person's discomfort with comfort
• Display compassion
• Recognize reality, describe it, then deal with it
• Control unproductive non-linear thought and insert a filter between such thought and speech
  
• Empower myself, take initiative, display courage
  

Equanimity: Does it mean I don't care?

Equanimity does not result in lack of interest. It just means displaying the capability to observe events or stimuli without reacting (either positively or negatively).

There is still room for passion, excitement, joy and other feelings. If these feelings are not or cannot be displayed, then don't blame equanimity, the problem lies elsewhere.

The exhilaration of success and the despair of failure can still be felt, but will be tempered by equanimity.

To live life to the fullest is to experience all the emotions that life has to offer. To gain freedom from craving and aversion, gain equanimity. If this seems a paradox, well, just add it to the list of paradoxes life has to offer!

Handling interruptions

An interruption abruptly halts a train of thought. There is an unpleasant and physical reaction in the body, leading to an unpleasant and sometimes violent outward reaction.

• Being cut off in traffic.
• Co-worker demanding attention without warning.
• Unexpected bad news.
• Children yelling at home at the end of a hard day's work.
  
• Distracting behavior from others while watching a movie.
• A telephone call while deep in thought on the next great idea.
• Etc.
  

Where is the reaction? In the body of course. Therefore, within control. Takes an effort. It will require giving up the pleasure of yelling, being sarcastic or physically threatening.

In the long term, what is more important, lasting inner peace thru self-control or momentary pleasure from release of emotions?

Caveat: Sometimes, there seems no other way to get someone's attention. Working on that as we speak...

Difference between priority and focus

Any problem in life can be solved permanently, just not all of them.

To eliminate a problem, start by focusing on it. Literally stare at it and acknowledge its reality and existence. Its really as simple as that. The solution will come to you. Warning: sometimes it may take longer than you like or can afford.

When overwhelmed by problems, choose the one or two important ones to focus on.

The problem may not be having too many problems, but the lack of ability to prioritize. To be able to prioritize, its critical to know what is important. Look deep within to know what is important. Acknowledge the reality of that need. If you need to eliminate the need itself, read this blog posting from the beginning and start over.

Knowing what not to focus on is sometimes as important as knowing what to focus on.

Suspending judgment and yet being action oriented

Labels such as 'good' and 'bad', 'right' and 'wrong' tend to distract from reality. Judgment tends to take focus towards a world as we would like it to be.

Compare reality to 'targets' or 'goals', objectively, without judgment or emotion. Discover and face the reality of root causes. Take action to either adjust the target or goal or the means being used to achieve them. Rinse and repeat till done (Warning: this may take a while, but what's the hurry?).

Being human, feelings of joy, sadness, exhilaration, despair will arise in moving towards a target or goal. Observe these feelings with equanimity in working to suspend judgment.

Will this turn us into emotionless robots? No. It will moderate unproductive emotions and generate an 'energy' that relaxes self and other, resulting in a state of 'being' (I'll find a better way to describe this some day!).

Working to overcome deep rooted tendencies to be critical can be an agonizing experience. Overcoming guilt and despair generated by the effort to overcome a personal weakness are just some of the challenges.

Dealing with reality vs. working to a Vision: is there a conflict?

If we become good at dealing with reality, will it lead to inaction? It could, if we are overcome by a sense of fatalism and respond with defensive or 'coping' behavior. Accepting reality does not mean there is no need to work to change it.

How are we to move forward?

In the short term, tackle reality with equanimity. Be proactive in setting goals and acting to move to the desired state (vision).

Things will stay the same or get worse only if there is no goal-driven action.

Dwelling only on short term or acting without perspective in the name of 'dealing with reality' will result in a reactive (and counterproductive) behavior. Working on achieving vision while ignoring short term realities results in 'ivory tower' thinking.

Deal with reality while working to change it.

Still a frog...

Sainthood checklist: Part I

Things I am working on:

1. Focus: live in the present, not in the past or the future
   
2. Concentrate: do not allow the mind to wander
3. Develop equanimity and self control: Observe body sensations without reacting
4. Deal with reality: deal with the world the way it is, not the way I want it to be
   
5. Do the right thing: avoid actions that harm others
6. Say the right thing: avoid words that hurt others
7. Reconcile cognitive dissonance with habits and deeply ingrained beliefs
8. Work diligently, with discipline and determination

Facing my worst fears

My worst fears generate a feeling of utter desperation and gloominess. The mind is overcome with negative thoughts, clear thought is impossible and it is hard to see anything in a positive light. The heart is overcome by fear and loneliness. The body tightens and breathing becomes harder. Anger leads to aggression, misunderstandings and communication gaps. Words are chosen to reflect my anxiety and expression become incoherent, making it harder to ask for and get help. It becomes practically impossible to see a different point of view.

All other negative reactions in the body (not related to my worst fears) are low hanging fruit. Taking care of the low hanging fruit through equanimity, builds confidence and self-esteem, increasing my energy, focus and determination to work on my worst fears.

The next milestone is to help others who are facing their worst fears.

Tracking improvements

The best sensor

The human body is the best sensor in the known universe. An external event will trigger a reaction in the body and you will feel this reaction as sensations. These sensations may cause pain or pleasure. Learn to track and observe these sensations with equanimity.

Reacting to an "external event" is actually a reaction to a sensation on the body. Therefore, anger and pleasure are not caused by external events, but are a response to a sensation on the body.

Over time this reaction becomes a habit resulting in action without thought. Develop the ability to track and observe the sensations with equanimity. Do not suppress the sensations (i.e. deal with reality), just observe with equanimity. Naturally, the deeper ingrained the habit, the harder it is to change it.

What if external events do not trigger a reaction and sensation? This is an indication of low emotional or social intelligence (and maybe other issues as well, such as a lack of compassion).

Householder realities

Awesome Parenting Technique!

There is hope for me! Some day they will thank me for this.

Gaining sainthood

Now if I can focus and achieve equanimity, then I will achieve sainthood. I am challenged by distractions that make me lose focus and interactions that frustrate me, sainthood seems pretty far away right now.

Even more annoying is the fact that achieving focus and equanimity is 100% in my control and no one (other than me) has to do anything differently.

The best thing to do for now seems to be to enjoy the process and improve my batting average. Time to buckle up and get down to it.

Seeing reality and Vipassana

Whose reality? Mine? Yours? The other guy's?

The answer is 'Yes'.

So how can we see everyone's reality? If its hard to do so, its only because we do not know how. Read about 'emotional intelligence' and 'social intelligence' if you want the modern, western approach. Vipassana meditation will give you the approach as taught by the Buddha. I find both approaches to be highly complementary.

So how to remain decisive and avoid analysis-paralysis in the process of understanding 'reality'. After all, 'action' is the end goal, not the intellectual satisfaction of understanding 'reality'.

Well... examine and understand your reality to know the answer! But wait, what about those other 'realities'?? :-)

Is it easy to figure this out? Of course not. But then the really important things in life don't seem to be easy. Maybe they are not meant to be. That is another reality to deal with.

Focus: being in the moment

Do you have trouble listening? Do you find the person you are talking to you boring? Painful? Irritating? Do you feel the need to increase your respect for your audience?

Your mind tells you the task at hand is critical, but your heart tugs you elsewhere: are you tired of battling yourself and getting distracted and thereby not getting enough done? Do you think multitasking is a virtue and when you look back, you find that you have not accomplished as much as you could have?

Stop the mind from straying. If the mind strays, it is going to the past or the future. Gently bring it back to the present. The present is all that matters.

Do not let technology come in the way (pager, phone etc.).

Calm the mind so it stays in the here and now. Do not generate non-existent fears. Trying to anticipate all that can happen is not productive, unless you are in a genuine planning session.

Vipassana: see things as they are

The word 'Vipassana' means to see things as they are.

What will it mean for you to see things as they are? To stop deluding yourself? To see events without filters and biases?

What will it mean for you to know yourself? To candidly face your strengths and weaknesses. To acknowledge your shortcomings and deal with them.

What will it mean for you to confront your toughest fears?